My husband and I met in October of 1998 and instantly became friends. I was at the bottom of the totem pole in Jr. High- he was a freshman in high school. We found ourselves going to the same church and our love of sports drew us together. In April of 2000, we officially became an item, but went on our first date the following Valentine’s Day. We dated through high school and married the summer after I graduated from high school.
D was entering his junior year at the University of Texas at Austin and I joined him as a freshman. We loved our college days… things were so simple. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches we packed for lunch on campus, the Torch Light Ralley, the Hex Ralley- we loved our university. After graduating (D- December 2006; me- May 2007), I began teaching kindergarten at a private Christian school. This is where the next part of the story begins…
One morning that September, I woke up feeling so dizzy and light-headed. I have never felt that way before. I couldn’t walk around the house or even get ready to begin the school day. Needless to say, I used my first sick day. The feeling passed later that afternoon, but not before a fellow teacher called to check up on me and asked if I could be pregnant. We had been preventing this from happening, but I know that things like this happen all the time- so I started researching it on the internet. Since I couldn’t get a 100% positive answer, I decided I had better stop taking my birth control just to make sure. I completely expected that once off of birth control, my cycle would start up. But it didn’t. And I started to feel other symptoms. Pulls. Twinges. Exhaustion. Metallic taste in my mouth. Feeling out of breath. I remember testing shortly after and not getting a positive result, but I don’t think I ever tested again. This went on for 2 weeks and I finally made a Dr. appointment to figure this all out. The week before the appointment, I started bleeding and cramping like I’ve never cramped before. It was awful. Even without knowing for sure whether I was pregnant or not, I couldn’t help imagining that I was. And now all those dreams went down the drain. I remember crying myself to sleep. I remember looking out my classroom window and seeing the little ones being dropped off for Mother’s Day Out and feeling devastated. I remember this desire growing inside to become a mother, to take care of someone else, to love someone so much, to experience Life’s Miracle.
However, D was not on board. Sure, he wanted kids… just not now. And he made sense. We didn’t own our own home. We wanted to have our new SUV paid off. We wanted to get some of our career under our belt. So we agreed to start trying the following summer- the summer of 2008. By this time, we had bought our home and were very close to paying off our vehicle. I was so excited to start trying. I just knew that we would get pregnant within the first 3 months. I bought all kinds of pregnancy books, for me and for hubby. I read them cover to cover. Three months came and went and still, I was not pregnant. In fact, my cycle was getting wackier by the month. I was getting frustrated. As the new year began, I had hit a new low in my life. I felt hopeless. I was angry with God. I was frustrated with Him. How could He not want two people who had served him to become parents? I was filled with fear that this would never happen. I started bargaining with God, thinking that I had something to offer Him that would change His mind. Then Esther came along…
Well, not literally, but Beth Moore’s new study on her did. And I felt like I learned so much from it. Fear is not of God. Bring your needs to Him. Lay them at His feet… and leave them there. So that’s what I did. In April, as the study was ending, I decided to do something I hadn’t done in a long time. See, when I was feeling hopeless, I was also feeling frustrated with my body. It had continued to let me down, month after month. So for the first time in three months, I decided to take an ovulation predictor kit. The very first time I took it, it came back positive. And the next day. And the next. Yay! My body was getting back to normal. Now four months have passed with my cycle staying the same length each month. As the one year mark arrived and still no baby, I made an appointment with my Dr.
My appointment with my doctor went really well. The nurse was so sweet and told me after I told her that we’d been trying for one year, “Don’t you worry sweetie. We’ll get it all figured out.” And as I explained the past year to my doctor, she said what I had been thinking for the past month or so, “L, this just might not have been the time for this to happen.” We decided to give it three more months since my cycle has become more consistent, and if nothing has happened, then I’ll make an appointment for an inferitility work-up.
Now, the part of me that is listening to that whole “no fear” thing believes that I will be pregnant before then. This would give me a summer baby which is the ideal situation for a teacher. My sister and my sister-in-law are both trying and I have always thought that it would be so much fun for us to be pregnant at the same time. And I can’t wait any longer. I can’t. We can’t. D is so on board with all of this. He wants to go to dr. appointments with me. He talks about what our kids will look like, what they’ll be like. He prays each night at dinner that we would get pregnant and have a healthy baby. He prays for me.
Which leads us to the other side of me- the side that fears that I can’t have kids. That this will be a much longer road than what we’ve already traveled. That I will stand on the sidelines and watch those around me get pregnant and have babies. That my husband and I will continue to wait on our world to change.