Decisions, decisions.

The last cycle pre-“fertility work-up appointment” has come and gone. That’s right. It’s done. And now it’s time to make decisions. Wow. I never thought that I would be making this appointment. I never thought that I would try for over a year to get pregnant. And still not be pregnant.

A friend asked if I was ticked. And I’m sure I will be. I guess right now, I’m just still in shock. I still hold onto the hope that this will happen on our own. I guess I’m still in denial. Sunday night, D and I sat down and pored over a website about the whole infertility “process”. While it was nice to educate ourselves together, I so wish our struggle had been with deciding which crib would work best in our nursery, instead of trying to predict which procedure we would have to endure.

And infertility has changed my life in other ways, too. Like today, when a teacher at my school was carrying around her new baby this afternoon, I found myself avoiding her. Avoiding the baby. Avoiding the feelings that I knew would bubble to the surface. I’m so tired of hiding those emotions. This weekend, we’ve been invited to one of D’s 2nd cousin’s 1st birthday party. And we’re not going. Last summer when we started trying, I helped throw a baby shower for the little one and couldn’t help thinking that we’d be joining them soon. We all know how that has turned out. And now I can’t even celebrate his 1st birthday without remembering. Without thinking about how it was supposed to be.

Looking ahead…
I will be making an appointment soon (when I get the nerve, so pray for courage). Pray for answers!