Well, D received a phone call today from my doctor with the results from his test. Needless to say, they weren’t good. He called me in tears. In the 9 years we’ve been together, I have never felt so helpless. I just wanted to hug him.

My doctor says that it could be a fluke, but she wants him to see a urologist to have more testing done. I’m not sure when that will happen, but hopefully soon.

It’s weird, but I’ve had a feeling that this is how it would turn out. And I thought I was going to be really upset at the prospect of never being pregnant. But all I could think about was that D wouldn’t be able to pass on his great personality, his athletic abilities, his blond hair and bright blue eyes… it’s like I’m mourning the loss of a child that never existed.

I’m pretty sure we won’t go down the donor road, so it stands to reason that I would be upset that my traits wouldn’t be passed on. But for some reason, I can handle that.

I have felt for some time that we were to adopt, whether we could have kids of our own or not. So adoption is definitely the way we would want to go.

But this journey’s not over. We’ll have more appointments and tests run just to be sure. Please keep us in your prayers.


Time for an update

A post have been long over-due… I can’t believe it’s already October. I’m ready for changes in the weather, holidays, new fall decorations. I’m really just ready for change, period. First I’ll fill you in on what’s been going on…

Where to start? I finally got the nerve up to make the fertility work-up appointment. Both D and I went September 22nd to meet with my doctor to see what the next steps would be. Since my cycle has been pretty normal for the past half-year or so, she wanted to go ahead and do some checks on the hubby. Needless to say, we left the office with two cups in a brown paper bag…

After D’s tests are done and if everything comes back normal, then the next step is for me to schedule an HSG. Yeah, look that one up. Sounds delightful, huh? A couple of years ago, if you had told me that I would allow something like that to be done to me so I could have a baby, I’d probably say you were crazy. Not that I didn’t want children, but just that I never imagined myself in this position. However, there’s not much I wouldn’t do now to one day be able to be a mother.

When D and I got married, we of course talked about children and starting a family. I always told him that I didn’t want to get crazy-obsessed with baby-making when the time came. I just wanted it to happen. This sounds like such an ideal picture… for a Miracle to just happen. But over the past year that we’ve been trying and the year before that when my heart began aching for a baby, I’ve lost hope. I don’t even start out the cycle thinking that I’ll get pregnant. I told myself that I’m just not getting my hopes up. But now, I really believe it. I believe each month will be another failure. I believe that next summer, we will be on another vacation instead of at home with a newborn. I believe that another Christmas will pass without the fun “We’re Expecting” Christmas cards being sent out.

But what I really struggle with is this: should I be longing for a child so much that it hurts? Does this mean that I’m not content? I love D, can’t imagine living without him, but if this is what God has planned for us, is it enough? Tears are streaming down my face just thinking about this. I pray that I find satisfaction in God and that’s the only place I look. That God will be enough for me. I look to Him to satisfy this longing.

Please, fill me up.

I am empty.