Direction

D had his appointment with the “fertility specialist” over a week ago and yet I haven’t posted any update. I’m honestly just plain tired. We both are. The specialist recommended that D undergo genetic testing to make sure that his genetic traits are ones that we want passed on before having him go through the biopsy procedure. That was so hard to hear. I can deal with not being able to have kids. That I can process and accept. But choosing not to have them because D might carry something we don’t want to pass on… that hurt. I mean, I’m looking at a great guy, awesome personality, great sense of humor, loving, kind, great friend, dependable, faithful, trustworthy, great 3-point shot (he’d want me to throw that in there)… and I’m thinking, why wouldn’t I want another little D running around? We left with a referral to a geneticist and later got an appointment scheduled for March 4. More waiting…

The night after our appointment, my mom called to check in on us. She was asking questions about our next steps, and knowing that I have always wanted to adopt anyway, asked if we could pursue the adoption process at the same time. I’ve always had uncomfortable feelings about that. Like we’d be getting to have a foot in each door and could potentially be blocking a couple who are all the way in. Does that make sense? I told her that and what I was really looking for is a sign showing one way or the other. I mean, sure, we’ll go ahead and have his genetic testing done and if all looks good, the biopsy as well. But I’m not set on needing to try for our biological child before adopting. D is still undecided.

The day had been busy, so after I got off the phone with her, I finally sat down and checked my email. In my inbox, I received a notification of an invite I received from a friend on face.book. I have never received an invitation from her before and she has no idea about anything we are going through, so with that in mind, the invitation I viewed made the hair on my arms stand up. It was an invitation to an adoption conference here in our town. There will be break-out sessions for the different types of adoption, a speaker to talk about financing adoption, etc. Wow.

Needless to say, I’m pumped. I’m not sure this is the sign I was looking for… I’m waiting on a sign from D, but it’s a step forward. I’m praying for wisdom and guidance of course, but also a true sense of discernment. I tend to get really excited about something and expect everyone else to have the same level of eagerness. I really want to come out of this conference with both of us on the same page…. that I would use my head as much as I already listen to my heart and that D would listen to his heart as much as he already uses his head. That we would be balanced and/or balance each other out.