Spring break is here so I’m taking advantage of the extra time to finally post some updates of things that have been going on lately in our lives. First off, I enjoyed a sisters’ weekend with, of course, my sisters and mom. Since my oldest sister is very pregnant and has had her teaching load reduced to half-time due to experiencing early contractions, we did some shopping but tried to keep it pretty low-key.
My sister who is pregnant (I’ll call her J) has truly been there for me these past few years. She calls to check up on me, isn’t afraid to ask questions (because let’s face it- this is not the easiest thing to bring up in conversation with others, but at the same time, it’s on my mind all day), and has two cute little boys that she lets me borrow to ‘practice on’. ha! Her current pregnancy has been more difficult than the other two, and recently she found out that baby G has a kidney and heart issue, as well as his bones are measuring 6 weeks behind. These are all markers for Down’s syndrome. She and her husband decided against the amnio because it wouldn’t change their mind about caring for baby G, so we won’t know anything for sure until he enters the world.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14
Toward the end of last month, we took a huge step and attended an adoption conference. For me, it was acknowledging that going down that path could be a reality for us in starting and growing our family. It was also a time for D to kinda get on the same page information-wise about adoption. He will readily admit that I do all the research. I scour the websites. I obsess over blogs. Then I relay the information to him. But hearing other people talk about adoption, seeing other couples our age investigating adoption, and listening to a panel share their own adoption stories made him open up about adoption in a way that he never has at home. After the conference, we had a great conversation on our way out of town. At times it took a shallow turn, but the fact that we were talking about it was promising in and of itself.
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans of good and not evil, plans to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
The geneticist appointment went really well. Dr. B was nice and explained different things they would be looking for in the results. She answered our questions, went through our family medical history, answered more questions, and somehow kept a straight face to some of D’s answers to her questions. We should be hearing the results from that sometime this week. I don’t feel nervous about it now, but I know that once D is sharing them with me, my heart will be pounding. I also feel this complete peace. My SIL asked me about it this weekend and gave me the sweetest, most undeserved compliment. These past two years have brought some of the lowest of lows for me. I have felt completely hopeless, at times so angry and bitter that I cried myself to sleep. The loneliness of walking this walk was so overwhelming. Unless someone has personally gone down this path of infertility, they just don’t understand. And it’s not their fault. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. So when she told me that she didn’t think she could handle this the way that I have, I had to tell her the truth.
It’s not me.
It is Him.
Somebody out there is praying His peace over me and I’m feeling it.
Did I feel His peace through all the lows? No, I don’t think I did. But was it because He wasn’t giving me His peace? No, I think His peace was readily available. I just didn’t want it. I got pretty comfortable feeling miserable. Pity parties were a common occurrence at our house.
Did I need to go through those lows so I would trust Him more? Did going through the valley make the first glimmer of light all the more brighter?
Yes. And I think that’s why even though the possible diagnosis should be devastating to me, I feel more alive than ever.
And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7